Let Us Entertain You

For a few months many years ago I worked at a large educational publisher with a small trade division. During slow periods we liked to go check out The Bin: the dumpster in the warehouse where about-to-be-discarded, up-for-grabs books were, well, dumped. My one real score at this time was a large-format photo book documenting the CBGBs scene; the project had apparently done poorly, because I was able to dig out copies for myself and about 20 of my closest friends.

But one day I also found some kind of guidebook called Running Your Rock Band. I leafed through it, bemused, and came across one little bit that made me laugh hard enough to take the book home, and I’ve never gotten around to getting rid of it. This is it:

Standard Stage Patter

How’s everybody doin’? We’re the Nomads and we’ll be here until closing time. So make sure your car’s legally parked, check your weapons at the door, and don’t forget to tip your waitress. We’ll take care of the rest.

Everybody having a good time?

Let’s hear it for couple number two!

Put your hands together!

We want to take a minute to thank [club manager, concert promoter, sponsoring organization]. Without [him/her/it/them], we wouldn’t be here having fun.

If you’re having a good time tonight, you might want to catch our act at Billy Bob’s this Thursday night …

I’d like to introduce the members of the band …

Last call, folks. [Always popular with club owners.] And don’t forget: TIP YOUR WAITRESS!

And now, here’s the Standard Stage Patter guide as written by Lou Reed, circa 1978.

Like going to bed with a brontosaurus, man, it’s out of style. What’s in style? Nothing is in style, man. Haven’t you gotten into nothing yet? Why not? Cause it’s nothing. It’s Saturday night, man, what do you want? Watch me turn into Lou Reed before your very eyes! Aaah! I do Lou Reed better than anybody, so I thought I’d get in on it.

Springsteen is alright, by the way. He gets my seal of approval, I think he’s groovy. You notice the way the critics turned on him like after they were on him, right? When he needed ’em they weren’t there [indistinct]. Critics. What does Robert Christgau do in bed? You know, is he a toe-fucker?

I had walked out just when I made an album called Loaded, for loaded with hits, right? Cause I saw it coming and I said, “Oh-oh, get lost.” So I walked, right? Cause we were going to be very successful and there could be money there [indistinct]. So I became a typist for my old man, $40 a week.

And those aren’t even the choice bits.

• Lou Reed, “Walk on the Wild Side” (live 1978, 16:44, large file)

It’s from Live: Take No Prisoners, aka “the standup album” – doesn’t seem to be widely available these days but there’s a pricey Japanese import here.